Don’t steal beef jerky from Walmart

I am not a control freak. Nor am I a clean freak. I just like shit to get done and my house not be a fucking mess. (The husband goes back to work in 48 days). I swear if dinner is on the table just ONCE when I come home from work in the second half of his ‘recovery’ I will dedicate a page to him. I will title it “An ode to my husband who wears a shirt again”.
I fail to understand how none of the kids have inherited any iota of the clean gene I possess. I know 2 of them are not biologically mine but I have always favored nurture versus nature.
I think my kids are spoiled. All three have televisions, game systems, computers, and Iphones. The boys take the trash from the garage to the curb once a week. All I ask is that they put away their laundry (that I gather, wash, dry, and fold) and keep their rooms and bathroom clean. The husband tells me to shut their doors. It is a constant battle I refuse to lose. I am not a control or clean freak, but competitive? Yes, yes I am.
Kid #3 (the biological one) stands out in this category. She flat out refuses to clean her room. She cries when I tell her she needs to, trying to gain sympathy from the husband. This usually proves successful. I tried to have a rational conversation with her tonight about the situation. It started when I asked her to put away her laundry that had been sitting in a basket in her room for a few days. She was playing on the computer in our room because her computer, through no fault of her own, is not working well. She finished putting away her clothes in less than 2 minutes and assumed her position on my computer chair. Skeptical, I checked her room.
She did hang up the shirts (sort of) and then proceeded to shove everything else anywhere it would fit. Mind you- she does have a sock drawer, underwear drawer, etc. Immediately she breaks out the tears. I tried to rationalize and asked her how she thought we could solve this problem.
“Do you think your room is a mess?” I asked.
“Yes, mom,”
“Why do you think you always make such a mess?” I asked.
“Well I play with stuff and then I don’t feel like putting it away,”
We have diagnosed the problem.
“Well, can you think of any ways I could maybe help you keep your room clean?” I asked.
“Will you make me a list on the white board again?”
I shook my head no. My last list?
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In my defense, I angrily scribbled that list 4 hours after I had asked her to clean her room. I have decided, on that note, to make a more viable list for the kids. Over the years, I have learned that no matter how many things I wish they would do; there are so many more things I wish they would NOT do.

1. Do not put toothpaste on your wall. I realize blue and white make pretty clouds. There is, in fact, something even a magic eraser does not do well.

2. Do not make me wash clean clothes. I become bitter. And angry. And I’ll start reading those notes in your pockets.

3. Do not drink soda in your room. It always ends up on your floor or in the trash can you never empty. (or your closet if you are proud).
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4. Do not steal beef jerky from Walmart. And get caught. Really? How white trash is that?

5. Do not freeze Polly Pockets. It scares the shit of your mom when she goes to get something out of the freezer and is greeted by a deranged doll in ice. I know you wanted to see what a caveman would look like. A forewarning would have been sufficient.caveman

6. Do not ‘accidentally’ order something that requires $80 worth of Microsoft points you have not previously purchased.

7. Do not tell your friend I do not like him because I think he smokes pot. Especially if his mom is one of my best friends.

8. Do not use a hammer and nails to hang stuff on your bedroom door.
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9. Do not play with old school mousetraps. This requires an explanation. Before all of my dogs died, I desperately tried in vain to keep them off of my couch. That sentence requires a future post in itself; but one of the several tactics I tried was laying those old fashioned mousetraps on the couches. One night, the husband and the boys were chasing each other through the house throwing the traps at each other. Trying to be the voice of reason(not what the husband would call it), I warned them that someone was going to get hurt. Enter kid #3. My 8-year old daughter walked down to see what the commotion was about and sure as shit a mousetrap snapped on her arm. I was livid! Of course, an hour later, kid #3 posts on Facebook that her dad threw a mousetrap at her and it snapped on her arm. Thank god the mother in law and various aunts and old babysitters have her account password and removed the post. I realize she is too young to have a Facebook page. Her brother set it up for her unbeknownst to us and it has been monitored very closely since then. Don’t judge.

10. Do not use the toilet when it is plugged.(see I’m poop and puke) https://thefbombmom.com/2013/01/11/im-poop-and-puke

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11. Do not rip up dollar bills. Or $10 dollar bills. Your mom is Jewish and it pisses her off.

This list could go on. But I really wish it wouldn’t.
5 Bass in; NINE words with friends games pending.

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1 Response to “Don’t steal beef jerky from Walmart”



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