Posts Tagged 'pomeranians'

Linda is a stupid name for a cat

Happy Mother’s Day!! I usually love Mother’s Day. I make the husband take the kids to his mom’s house and I attempt to get some sun and drink some Bass in peace and quiet. Not this year. The high today was 54 degrees. What the fuck? All of the men I know do not care about browning their skin. Yet fathers get their day in the sun in June. So unfair. The husband kept asking what I wanted for Mother’s Day this year. I said, “Nothing! I just want the kids to clean their rooms!”
I should have been careful what I wished for. One out of two isn’t bad, right? I got nothing and the kids didn’t clean their rooms. Kid #1 texted me an r-rated e-card. Does that count?
I did, however, inherit a dog last week. A Pomeranian. Kid #1 kept texting me pictures of a kitten he wanted to bring home. He promised he would take care of it. I hate cats. And litter boxes. And cat piss. And blatant lies. No child of mine would clean a litter box on a schedule that would coordinate with my fervent dislike for cat smell. I told him no and happily ignored his ensuing and multiple pleas for me to reconsider.
My daughter wanted a cat once several years ago. So I begrudgingly relented. A friend of a friend knew someone who wanted to get rid of their cat. That should have been my first clue. The reason I was given? Said cat did not get along with the owner’s other cat. So I surprised my daughter one day and came home with a black and white, part Siamese cat.
“I want to name her Linda,” she said, trying to cuddle the petrified cat.
“Do you mean Glenda,like the good witch?” I tried to clarify.
“No. Linda!”
Ummm… okay. Linda let my daughter pet her 3 times before she darted to our basement. Where she stayed for the next 6 months. Every once in a while, one of the kids would attempt to retrieve Linda from the basement. Linda liked the comfort and solitude of the basement; which she made apparent by pissing on the daughter’s bed. And in her closet. And under her bed. She happily retreated to her basement after thoroughly pissing me off.
After about a year with this fucking basement cat, I had had enough. I knew the cat had lived inside and outside at her old owner’s house so I figured she could use some fresh air. I had the day off work, so after the kids left for school I released Linda. I bid her farewell and went about my day.
A few days later, I was in the kitchen making dinner. The husband came in to sample and squinted out the back door. He pulled the sliding doors opened and yelled at kid #1 to get off of the fence he was hanging over.
“I think I see Linda, Dad!” he yelled back.
“Linda’s in the basement…” his voice trailed off as he saw the look on my face.
“You didn’t,” he turned to me. It was not a question.
“But it’s been 3 days! No one even noticed!” I tried to defend myself.
So in came Linda. Again.
I permitted this nonsense for a few more weeks before I started calling shelters. Apparently I am not the only person who fucking hates cats. All the shelters were full. I had zero takers on Craigslist.
I called my dad to bitch about the futile situation. I’m so glad I did. He came up with a fantastic idea. The woman that lives in the house behind him has cats. Lots of them. And a “Humane Society” sticker on her front door to boot.
“You can walk over to her house and say you found Linda in my yard and ask if it belongs to her,” he suggested.
Game on! I loaded the cat in my car. She was part Siamese so she meowed quite loudly. Kid #3 ran to the open upstairs window.
“What are you doing with Linda?” she cried down to me, sobbing.
I rolled my eyes.
“You guys don’t even like the cat!”
I started the car and made it around the block before that piece of shit broke down. The husband had to come rescue me. Kid #3 was only 4 years old at the time so of course she came with him. And of course she was still crying.
I finally made it to my dad’s house and proceeded with our plan. I knocked on the neighbor’s door and she fell in love with the ‘homeless’ cat and immediately welcomed her with open arms.
Needless to say, we do not harbor what I would call a cat-friendly home. So after all the trouble kid #1 went through sending me pictures and videos of the kitten he HAD to have, he comes home an hour later with a Pomeranian. The same friend of his whose cat had kittens also owned a dog that did not get enough attention. Probably because of all the fucking cats.
His friend’s mom idled in her car waiting to talk to me as all 3 kids AND the husband stuck out their lower lips as they fondled the admittedly super cute Pomeranian. For a second, I actually felt authoritative. But then again, everyone knew the responsibility of the dog’s grooming, access to food, and veterinarian visits would solely depend upon me.
So again, my first logical question for his friend’s mom was, “Why are you trying to get rid of him?”
The mom said the dog did not get enough attention in her house and that Pomeranians are needy little fuckers. Or something like that. I sighed. The dog is 4 years old, potty trained, and named ‘Buckeye’.
I am a huge Ohio State fan. But Buckeye is a stupid dog name. He looks more like a Chewbacca.
photo

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But I guess it’s better than Linda.

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